"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:13
How fitting that this become my verse for 2009 as I started reading the book of Jeremiah this morning. This is but a simple reminder for me to reflect on this verse over the next 365 days.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Bulking
I can hardly believe I’m intentionally gaining weight. Never in a million years did I ever think I would find myself in this position. Why and who would do this? A bodybuilder in training. I don’t see myself as a bodybuilder, but I’m certainly eating and training like one. In the world of bodybuilding bulking is standard practice. If you want to put on muscle mass you have to eat.
Last winter I did what I would consider a mini-bulk. I wasn’t all that comfortable with the weight gain and wasn’t ready to accept the compromise of extra weight and fat with more muscle. This time, I am heeding the weight gain no attention. When I made the decision to bulk in the late autumn, I told my coach I wanted to bulk for 8-10 weeks. Well I’m four weeks in now and I’m ready to go full throttle and see how much muscle mass I can build.
I would love to have that “perfect” body and to be lean and ripped every day of the year. Unfortunately, I have to make a compromise and be willing to accept that for me to have that body, I have to work for it. Both inside and outside the gym. Sure I might get a little uncomfortable with the weight gain, but in a few months time, I’ll strip away the layers to reveal just what I’ve been working on. I absolutely can't wait!
Last winter I did what I would consider a mini-bulk. I wasn’t all that comfortable with the weight gain and wasn’t ready to accept the compromise of extra weight and fat with more muscle. This time, I am heeding the weight gain no attention. When I made the decision to bulk in the late autumn, I told my coach I wanted to bulk for 8-10 weeks. Well I’m four weeks in now and I’m ready to go full throttle and see how much muscle mass I can build.
I would love to have that “perfect” body and to be lean and ripped every day of the year. Unfortunately, I have to make a compromise and be willing to accept that for me to have that body, I have to work for it. Both inside and outside the gym. Sure I might get a little uncomfortable with the weight gain, but in a few months time, I’ll strip away the layers to reveal just what I’ve been working on. I absolutely can't wait!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Struggles & Triumphs
This week I have been struggling. After eight weeks of the Get Shredded Diet I’m now back on maintenance. As I get further and further away from the weight loss phase of my life change I look back wistfully at how easy that was. Keeping the weight off hasn’t been too much of a struggle for me, as the fear of regaining is so prevalent. Finding balance is something I admittedly struggle with and the incessant need to be 100% clean with my eating and training prevails. Transitioning off this extreme diet has proven to be more demanding than the actual diet.
I have had this overwhelming compulsion to dive into a pile of brownies/cookies/bag of baked cinnamon chips (sweet poison those are!) all week. Now that I’m transitioning off, it has taken some serious discipline and willpower to restrain myself from not eating a bag of cookies.
I know that while I was in the thick of dieting, desperate to see the pounds melt away it didn’t seem easy. But it is compared to life after a significant loss. Overall, I do well in following the nutrition guidelines and my training is on. This is what really counts. The mental and emotional stuff -- it takes time and is more hard work. There is never a moment when you lunge across the finish line and are awarded a medal (a fit body for life and no cravings for junk food). Because it never ends and the work never stops. I have resigned to the fact that I will never NOT obsess about my weight, eating and exercise. With my long and colourful past relationship with food I think a certain watchfulness is definitely required. It’s a constant, daily process of calibration, negotiation, and monitoring. As daunting as it sounds, at the end of the day it is so worthwhile, that I keep fighting. The alternative really is no longer an option.
I have had this overwhelming compulsion to dive into a pile of brownies/cookies/bag of baked cinnamon chips (sweet poison those are!) all week. Now that I’m transitioning off, it has taken some serious discipline and willpower to restrain myself from not eating a bag of cookies.
I know that while I was in the thick of dieting, desperate to see the pounds melt away it didn’t seem easy. But it is compared to life after a significant loss. Overall, I do well in following the nutrition guidelines and my training is on. This is what really counts. The mental and emotional stuff -- it takes time and is more hard work. There is never a moment when you lunge across the finish line and are awarded a medal (a fit body for life and no cravings for junk food). Because it never ends and the work never stops. I have resigned to the fact that I will never NOT obsess about my weight, eating and exercise. With my long and colourful past relationship with food I think a certain watchfulness is definitely required. It’s a constant, daily process of calibration, negotiation, and monitoring. As daunting as it sounds, at the end of the day it is so worthwhile, that I keep fighting. The alternative really is no longer an option.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Developing a Healthy Relationship with Food
I was listening to a radio program on my drive to work this morning and the speaker was Constance Rhodes, author of the book “Life Inside the ‘Thin’ Cage”. A book I’m putting on my must read list. She went on to say that according to a study in a popular woman’s magazine, three out of four women say they think and behave abnormally when it comes to food. I always find it amazing how they need studies to prove what for me seems to be common knowledge. Now these women don’t have what one would view as a “traditional” eating disorder, i.e., bulimia or anorexia, but they struggle with what is known as disordered eating. Disordered eating can be loosely defined as an unhealthy perspective on dieting, weight change and body image. This struggle often has a negative effect on the physical body, emotions and on relationships.
Developing a healthy relationship with food is something I strive for and have come to accept that it is a constant work in progress. I’m keenly aware that my relationship with food is very much damaged from a long history of being overweight since adolescence. Months ago I wrote out what a healthy relationship with food meant for me:
• It is not setting some impossible-to-achieve goal of dietary perfection for myself, which is a recipe for failure.
• It is realizing there is place for "unclean" foods in moderation in my diet, even when following the fitness lifestyle.
• Not feeling guilty when I eat "unclean" foods.
• Leaving room for "unclean" foods in my macros. (10% meals/snacks)
• If I do sometimes overindulge to not beat myself up for it and spiral downwards into an all-out binge fest, but instead get back on track with the next meal.
• Not letting food have power over you.
• Not indulging in compensatory behaviours. (endless cardio)
A few of the highlights of the program were around our thought processes and how they center on food and our weight. Do you ever find yourself thinking that if you could just lose a few pounds, everything in life would be better? Do you ever get tired of worrying about food and your weight? Do you frequently look in the mirror and judge your body against the ideal you have in your mind? Does a small amount of weight gain cause you to binge or significantly limit your eating for days? Do you believe your weight and the size of your body directly affect the respect you get at work and from peers?
My own response to many of those questions would be yes, yes and yes. They also spoke about eating behaviours/patterns, some of which I don’t think are necessarily all that off base and can be necessary for someone who has struggled with being overweight. For instance, do you find that instead of eating a "real" meal, do you eat empty calories such as candy or chips (especially if they're fat free). (This is something I often did when I was overweight). When eating out, do you always ask for foods to be specially prepared (without butter, oils, or cheese, etc.). This is something I do now and totally agree with! Do you only eat something if you know the amount of calories and /or fat grams that are in it? I think while dieting this is very important, but am trying to be so strict about this now. Do your friends tell you your eating habits are weird? You bet they do, and I don’t mind. Do you skip out on social functions because you don't want to have to eat what is being served. Guilty. Even though you don't let yourself eat what you want to, do you actually love to eat? Guilty. If I did eat what I wanted all the time, I’d still be overweight. Do you every get tired of thinking about eating (and being thin) all the time? Most definitely yes. How can I not wish that I were naturally thin and never had a weight problem and could eat whatever I wanted without thinking about it. I can’t, and this is a fact I have accepted. For me nothing tastes as good as being thin and fit feels. Food will always be there. Always. It’s just a matter of continuing to develop and grow a healthy attitude towards it. I lost my weight nearly three years ago, so technically I’m still in only in the toddler stage of thinking. Lots of growing yet to do.
Developing a healthy relationship with food is something I strive for and have come to accept that it is a constant work in progress. I’m keenly aware that my relationship with food is very much damaged from a long history of being overweight since adolescence. Months ago I wrote out what a healthy relationship with food meant for me:
• It is not setting some impossible-to-achieve goal of dietary perfection for myself, which is a recipe for failure.
• It is realizing there is place for "unclean" foods in moderation in my diet, even when following the fitness lifestyle.
• Not feeling guilty when I eat "unclean" foods.
• Leaving room for "unclean" foods in my macros. (10% meals/snacks)
• If I do sometimes overindulge to not beat myself up for it and spiral downwards into an all-out binge fest, but instead get back on track with the next meal.
• Not letting food have power over you.
• Not indulging in compensatory behaviours. (endless cardio)
A few of the highlights of the program were around our thought processes and how they center on food and our weight. Do you ever find yourself thinking that if you could just lose a few pounds, everything in life would be better? Do you ever get tired of worrying about food and your weight? Do you frequently look in the mirror and judge your body against the ideal you have in your mind? Does a small amount of weight gain cause you to binge or significantly limit your eating for days? Do you believe your weight and the size of your body directly affect the respect you get at work and from peers?
My own response to many of those questions would be yes, yes and yes. They also spoke about eating behaviours/patterns, some of which I don’t think are necessarily all that off base and can be necessary for someone who has struggled with being overweight. For instance, do you find that instead of eating a "real" meal, do you eat empty calories such as candy or chips (especially if they're fat free). (This is something I often did when I was overweight). When eating out, do you always ask for foods to be specially prepared (without butter, oils, or cheese, etc.). This is something I do now and totally agree with! Do you only eat something if you know the amount of calories and /or fat grams that are in it? I think while dieting this is very important, but am trying to be so strict about this now. Do your friends tell you your eating habits are weird? You bet they do, and I don’t mind. Do you skip out on social functions because you don't want to have to eat what is being served. Guilty. Even though you don't let yourself eat what you want to, do you actually love to eat? Guilty. If I did eat what I wanted all the time, I’d still be overweight. Do you every get tired of thinking about eating (and being thin) all the time? Most definitely yes. How can I not wish that I were naturally thin and never had a weight problem and could eat whatever I wanted without thinking about it. I can’t, and this is a fact I have accepted. For me nothing tastes as good as being thin and fit feels. Food will always be there. Always. It’s just a matter of continuing to develop and grow a healthy attitude towards it. I lost my weight nearly three years ago, so technically I’m still in only in the toddler stage of thinking. Lots of growing yet to do.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Staying the Course
“People of mediocre ability sometimes achieve outstanding success because they don’t know when to quit. Most people succeed because they are determined to.” G.E. Allen
Dieting is something I’m all too familiar with. Starting a diet is always the easy part. It’s staying the course of the diet that is the true test. In days past, I’ve started on countless diets, all with good intentions to lose 10-20-30 pounds, only to quit days or weeks later.
Currently, I am in week three of the Get Shredded Diet. This has got to be by far the most difficult diet I’ve ever been on. There has been many a moment when I have asked myself why I am doing this? After all, I’m not planning to compete any time soon, if ever and finally after many, many years of dieting, I’m at a point where I don’t need to lose weight. In fact I would like to gain some muscle mass. But, when I was asked if I wanted to try the GSD to see what sort of results I could achieve, I was intrigued. After all, it’s not a diet about weight loss, but fat loss. It has not been easy, but I’m driven to succeed and see the final outcome of this diet. These next couple of weeks will be the truest test of my determination and will power. After all, the newness of the diet has long worn off and the end is still weeks away. What drives me to continue when the goal is supremely to be in the best shape of my life? It’s that refusal to quit and give up. I have to finish what I started. I am not accountable to anyone but myself. I report weekly to my coach, but in the end, I still only have myself to answer to.
Dieting is something I’m all too familiar with. Starting a diet is always the easy part. It’s staying the course of the diet that is the true test. In days past, I’ve started on countless diets, all with good intentions to lose 10-20-30 pounds, only to quit days or weeks later.
Currently, I am in week three of the Get Shredded Diet. This has got to be by far the most difficult diet I’ve ever been on. There has been many a moment when I have asked myself why I am doing this? After all, I’m not planning to compete any time soon, if ever and finally after many, many years of dieting, I’m at a point where I don’t need to lose weight. In fact I would like to gain some muscle mass. But, when I was asked if I wanted to try the GSD to see what sort of results I could achieve, I was intrigued. After all, it’s not a diet about weight loss, but fat loss. It has not been easy, but I’m driven to succeed and see the final outcome of this diet. These next couple of weeks will be the truest test of my determination and will power. After all, the newness of the diet has long worn off and the end is still weeks away. What drives me to continue when the goal is supremely to be in the best shape of my life? It’s that refusal to quit and give up. I have to finish what I started. I am not accountable to anyone but myself. I report weekly to my coach, but in the end, I still only have myself to answer to.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Inspiration from the track
Last evening I set out to do sprints at the track. Upon arrival I noted a small group of people congregating outside the gate. A little dismayed as I would now have an audience, I wasn’t going to let my insecurities or the hot, humid weather deter me from doing HIIT. I proceeded to do my warm-up and set out to do my sprints and noted that the small group was now growing larger and amongst them was a group of mentally challenged individuals. Exhausted, I finished 12 sprints and spent a few minutes watching these individuals conquer the odds as they partook in laps, sprints and hurdles. They all had this contagious energy and faces that were aglow with smiles. After my last sprint, the father of one of the boys said his boy had wanted to race me. I laughed and said he should have and he would have probably beat me. I inquired about their events and was told it was track and field night for a group of mentally challenged individuals.
They were lined up – three young men. Prepping to race down the track. His boy (the one that wanted to race me) was the middle one with the red shirt. Each one ran as fast as they could giving everything they had in them. The boy with the red shirt ran back to his father announcing his time. It wasn’t his best he said, but nonetheless he was pleased and ran off to his next event. In the words of Olympics founder Baaron Pierre de Coubertin, “The important thing is not to win, but to take part. The essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well.” And fought well I’m certain they all did. I was told they race against themselves and the next time he races, the goal will be to beat his own time. Not that of another. This for me is so humbling. How often do I yearn for what others have and compare myself to them. How often have I wished for bigger shoulders, tighter thighs and defined abs only because this is what I see on someone else and I covet it for myself. In that short time on the track I learned a lesson. My efforts to improve my body composition are an ongoing pursuit. I set goals and I reach for them. Rather than try to reach for someone else’s ideal, I need to focus on what my gifts and positive attributes are and work with them and not let my desires be my handicaps. I believe that no matter what I set forth to do, regardless of how it turns out, I must give it my best effort. From these words evolved the Special Olympics' athletes oath... "Let me win, But if I cannot win, Let me brave in the attempt."
They were lined up – three young men. Prepping to race down the track. His boy (the one that wanted to race me) was the middle one with the red shirt. Each one ran as fast as they could giving everything they had in them. The boy with the red shirt ran back to his father announcing his time. It wasn’t his best he said, but nonetheless he was pleased and ran off to his next event. In the words of Olympics founder Baaron Pierre de Coubertin, “The important thing is not to win, but to take part. The essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well.” And fought well I’m certain they all did. I was told they race against themselves and the next time he races, the goal will be to beat his own time. Not that of another. This for me is so humbling. How often do I yearn for what others have and compare myself to them. How often have I wished for bigger shoulders, tighter thighs and defined abs only because this is what I see on someone else and I covet it for myself. In that short time on the track I learned a lesson. My efforts to improve my body composition are an ongoing pursuit. I set goals and I reach for them. Rather than try to reach for someone else’s ideal, I need to focus on what my gifts and positive attributes are and work with them and not let my desires be my handicaps. I believe that no matter what I set forth to do, regardless of how it turns out, I must give it my best effort. From these words evolved the Special Olympics' athletes oath... "Let me win, But if I cannot win, Let me brave in the attempt."
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Running
Went for my run tonight. Not sure of the distance...but it must have been at least 5k. Running against the wind should be considered resistance training. That.is.all.
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